Imagine...

A couple of weeks ago I was in NYC and I went to Central Park. This has not been a rare occurrence throughout my life since I grew up in Brooklyn. On this occasion I had time to kill before meeting a friend so I decided to grab a cookie at Levian's Bakery which has the most delicious cookies.I highly recommend if you are in the city and have never tired them before(http://www.levainbakery.com). Trust me. Anyway, after I brought the cookie(okay two cookies,but I shared them later with my friend) I headed into the park and sat on a bench right near The Imagine memorial for John Lennon.(I took the picture above).

The strange thing is for all the times I've been to Central Park I've never seen the memorial, even though I've looked for it before and it's right by the C train 72nd Street stop. There is no way I should have missed it!I've come right there for various charity walks,a half-marathon I did a couple of years ago, and I even took a philosophy class a few blocks away, but I never once passed it. It alluded me. It just makes me think that sometimes what you are looking for can be right in front of you, but you miss seeing it for whatever reason. Then when you are ready it presents itself effortlessly into your life. Of course, that doesn't always happen, but that's my take away.

Sangria Anyone?

So I'm not really anymore enlightened at 30 then I was at 28. I know this is shocking. I thought I'd be all kinds of enlightened by now. Perhaps because I haven't kept up with the blogging. That's a possibility.

Actually, it occurred to me while drinking sangria and listening to music alone at 3:30am on a Monday,that maybe my life isn't going in the right direction. True, I've always been a night owl, but the reality is I've been in a bad place emotionally for a long while now. I've tried therapy,mediation,self-help books,and anything else I could think of to try to snap myself out of this depression that I'm in. I even started a gratitude journal in an attempt to remind myself of my blessings!

I know I'm lucky in a lot of ways. However,I haven't been able to find a full-time job in the past two years, which has been disheartening. Oh and,of course my non-existent relationship bullshit. I don't want to be overtly negative;I have always had trouble seeing the forest through the trees I guess.

Since I've lost my job two years I have:

Been in my best friend's wedding
Traveled to Italy
Lived in California
Met the man of my dreams(really, but, yeah, no)
Met some amazing people in general
Lost forty pounds(so far)
Started this amazing blog!(yay)

My mantra has also been "Everything happens for a reason." A lot of these things wouldn't have happened if I haven't lost my job and are goals and dreams humbled and a lot better since I listed good things that came from losing something I thought I wanted.I think now I have to trust in the best possible outcome.

I'm Back.. Hooray!!

I decided to start up this blog again. I've been thinking about it for a couple of months now and it seems like the perfect time because:
1. I turned 29 last month. (I don't know about you, but birthdays usually make me reevaluate things.)
2. I've been inspired by Rainn Wilson.

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity, It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.
~Ray Bradbury~

I found that there is so much truth in that quote. Thinking too much always makes me crazy and ultimately gets me stuck. Honestly, if I'm telling the truth, I haven't made any good decisions by over thinking(but I suppose to most people this is obvious.) All the best decisions I have made have been ones that have followed my heart (as cheesy as that sounds.That sounds so ridiculously cliche doesn't it?).
Even the things that didn't make logical sense.Of course, I do believe sometimes thinking things through is a good thing, but maybe if everyone listened to that inner voice inside their hearts more often more often there would be less hate and love and peace in the world. Just a thought. Maybe not.

Now how has Rainn Wilson inspired me?

Well it's kind of funny because my friend told me he was going to be doing a book signing in the city. I had no idea he was coming out with a book, but I'm a huge "Office" fan. Long story short the book (Soul Pancake) is about life's big questions and exploring different facets of the human experience including creativity. I was thinking about that on the train ride home and that brought me back to writing. Even though I've been thinking about it for a few weeks I haven't done anything about it.

Also, I got to meet Rainn Wilson (Dwight!) which was a really awesome experience.

Check out the book Soul Pancake and the site if you want;the link is below.I haven't had time to read it all yet,but based on the talk Rainn gave and flipping through it so far it's deep, spiritual, thought-provoking, creative and humorous all at once!(Incidentally, the quote from above I found while flipping though the book.)

http://www.soulpancake.com/

Love Stinks

Yesterday I was surfing the internet, wait, do people say that anymore, or is that slang from five years ago? Well, in any case, I found this quote from Neil Gaiman. He is the author of the novels "American Gods" and "Stardust" (Stardust was also made into a movie in 2007.)

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

Usually I am a fan of positive quotes,but I have to admit he has a point.

My Teeth Fell Out!

I had a dream last night about my teeth falling out. I used to have that dream all the time, but I haven't for a long while. I always had reoccurring dreams about my teeth falling out and ones about tidal waves overpowering me. This one was slightly different though because my teeth were huge and really gross. Super disgusting. In the dream I was looking in the bathroom mirror and without really touching them my front teeth just start falling out one by one.

I don't know if you ever have bad dreams, but the millisecond after you wake up is the worst part because you believe for a moment that what happened is real. Actually, come to think of it waking up from a good dream is almost as bad; only it's the converse, you really wanted the dream to be true. Anyhow,I think the dream is about feeling powerless, no forget that, I know that's what the dream represents. I'm surprised I didn't have that dream sooner come to think of it.

The dream illustrates the reason I haven't been blogging. I have not been in a good emotional space and although the first few entries weren't exactly upbeat, I didn't want to keep being negative in every post or falsely happy either. I want it to be real, but I have found that being negative hasn't worked. Not for me. New ideas can't really be generated from a space of discontentment. Actually that isn't true either is it? Some of the greatest songs and best works of literature are about struggle or pain. A lot of artists, writers, musicians, and leaders in history have had mental illness. Sometimes the best things have come from people who are going through rough periods in their lives or have come through them. People can use their own experiences and pain to inspire others. Life isn't that black or white all the time. Good or bad.

In reality I know I'm powerful,not powerless. I just have to bring that into illumination. One step at a time.

From today on I will blog everyday. And I'm also going to buy some teeth whitening strips.

Catastrophizing Vs Romanticizing

I told my friend Lynn I was starting a blog on Monday and she got very, very excited about it. "Oh wow, don't even tell anyone you're unemployed. Tell them you're a writer! You're great at writing. I told you. This is going to work out so well." Of course I said, "Yeah, I've written two blog entries already. I wonder
when my book deal, including lucrative contract for two follow up books, is going to happen."

Okay, no I didn't really say that. I actually don't remember exactly what I said,but what I thought was,"It's a little premature to actually call myself a writer. I've been writing for two days! Oh and I have already gotten one negative review. Maybe I should just forget about this writing idea altogether. It's too hard and I'm not very good at it anyway."

I often catastrophe things.(See first blog for more evidence of that.) It's funny, because sometimes it seems easier to help other people when they have problems then to solve my own. In fact, friends have come to me when they needed support. I think it's because for me when another person has a problem it is much easier to logically access a situation and at least offer support, if not viable a solution. But do ever notice how when it's your problem it's much easier for logic and reason to go out the window? Be it a job loss, a failed relationship, family problems,or not getting whatever it was that you wanted. (I'm pretty sure that's board enough to encompass most things.) At least that is way it is for me.

The flip side of the coin are people who like my friend Lynn, romanticize things. For her upcoming wedding she is planning on writing a song for her husband and recording it in a studio. I think that's beautiful and totally doable. But, after she records the song she thinks that she is going to get a celebrity, like Jessica Simpson, to sing it at the wedding. And on top of that Oprah is going to Skype into the wedding because she will be so inspired by the love and Jessica Simpson and everything. Oh,Oprah will also be giving me a book deal too, somehow. ( I threw that part in there after I mentioned my blog. What the hell, might as well make it all the way over the top, right? Ok,I admit it, sometimes I romanticize things too.)

So what is the reality here?

There were a couple of things that happened this past month that sucked. Really sucked. However, a lot of good things happened too. The positive things aren't discounted because a couple of things that I didn't like happened. I've been through worse in my life. And if I think about it there are more important things going on in the world right now. For example, the earthquake in Haiti. Seriously.

Let's see, what other upsetting events are going on right now?

Conan O" Brien is probably going to be leaving the Tonight Show. See, I'm not the only person losing their job this month. And who could forgot poor Snooki on the Jersey Shore. Didn't she get punched in the face a couple of times or something? Not to mention, all those rejects on American Idol. Tragic.

Ok, maybe I have started reaching a little bit, but the point is that everyone has problems. You can either let circumstances dictate what happens to you or you can take a stand that this time life can be different. Or even that you are where you need to be. Not in a fairytale way where everything is always perfect and magical, though I have experienced those kind of moments before, but in a way where you can experience life and color every day. That's something I'm willing to strive for.

I'm Not Good at Blogging

I showed a few people my blog over the past couple of days and while almost everyone told me that they liked it(or pretended that they did)one person said this to me:

"I think your blog is snobby and unrelatable. You also seemed like a victim to me. And it seems like the beginning of a self-help book."

My response to that was this:

"Well maybe it seems that way because you're retarded."

That's not the most enlightened reply is it? Oh no. I'm not very good with criticism. I either take it way too seriously or I try to totally disregard it. Usually the former. I don't think that either response is appropriate really. Everyone is judged on something at some point in time.(Or on many things at many points in time). Why does it matter if everyone likes me, wants to be my friend,or thinks everything I do is amazing? Because that is never going to be the case. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to go with what you believe is right without closing yourself off to to different possibilities (like maybe possibility that you aren't right? Oh no, I'm getting dizzy).

I also believe people respond to things based on upbringing, the context in which they live their lives, and the experiences they have had; i.e.the way a person acts towards you isn't always personal. In fact it usually isn't.

Unless what you do really sucks.

Of course if you don't agree,please leave a comment criticizing my point of view. :)