I decided to start up this blog again. I've been thinking about it for a couple of months now and it seems like the perfect time because:
1. I turned 29 last month. (I don't know about you, but birthdays usually make me reevaluate things.)
2. I've been inspired by Rainn Wilson.
"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity, It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.
~Ray Bradbury~
I found that there is so much truth in that quote. Thinking too much always makes me crazy and ultimately gets me stuck. Honestly, if I'm telling the truth, I haven't made any good decisions by over thinking(but I suppose to most people this is obvious.) All the best decisions I have made have been ones that have followed my heart (as cheesy as that sounds.That sounds so ridiculously cliche doesn't it?).
Even the things that didn't make logical sense.Of course, I do believe sometimes thinking things through is a good thing, but maybe if everyone listened to that inner voice inside their hearts more often more often there would be less hate and love and peace in the world. Just a thought. Maybe not.
Now how has Rainn Wilson inspired me?
Well it's kind of funny because my friend told me he was going to be doing a book signing in the city. I had no idea he was coming out with a book, but I'm a huge "Office" fan. Long story short the book (Soul Pancake) is about life's big questions and exploring different facets of the human experience including creativity. I was thinking about that on the train ride home and that brought me back to writing. Even though I've been thinking about it for a few weeks I haven't done anything about it.
Also, I got to meet Rainn Wilson (Dwight!) which was a really awesome experience.
Check out the book Soul Pancake and the site if you want;the link is below.I haven't had time to read it all yet,but based on the talk Rainn gave and flipping through it so far it's deep, spiritual, thought-provoking, creative and humorous all at once!(Incidentally, the quote from above I found while flipping though the book.)
http://www.soulpancake.com/
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Love Stinks
Yesterday I was surfing the internet, wait, do people say that anymore, or is that slang from five years ago? Well, in any case, I found this quote from Neil Gaiman. He is the author of the novels "American Gods" and "Stardust" (Stardust was also made into a movie in 2007.)
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman
Usually I am a fan of positive quotes,but I have to admit he has a point.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman
Usually I am a fan of positive quotes,but I have to admit he has a point.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My Teeth Fell Out!
I had a dream last night about my teeth falling out. I used to have that dream all the time, but I haven't for a long while. I always had reoccurring dreams about my teeth falling out and ones about tidal waves overpowering me. This one was slightly different though because my teeth were huge and really gross. Super disgusting. In the dream I was looking in the bathroom mirror and without really touching them my front teeth just start falling out one by one.
I don't know if you ever have bad dreams, but the millisecond after you wake up is the worst part because you believe for a moment that what happened is real. Actually, come to think of it waking up from a good dream is almost as bad; only it's the converse, you really wanted the dream to be true. Anyhow,I think the dream is about feeling powerless, no forget that, I know that's what the dream represents. I'm surprised I didn't have that dream sooner come to think of it.
The dream illustrates the reason I haven't been blogging. I have not been in a good emotional space and although the first few entries weren't exactly upbeat, I didn't want to keep being negative in every post or falsely happy either. I want it to be real, but I have found that being negative hasn't worked. Not for me. New ideas can't really be generated from a space of discontentment. Actually that isn't true either is it? Some of the greatest songs and best works of literature are about struggle or pain. A lot of artists, writers, musicians, and leaders in history have had mental illness. Sometimes the best things have come from people who are going through rough periods in their lives or have come through them. People can use their own experiences and pain to inspire others. Life isn't that black or white all the time. Good or bad.
In reality I know I'm powerful,not powerless. I just have to bring that into illumination. One step at a time.
From today on I will blog everyday. And I'm also going to buy some teeth whitening strips.
I don't know if you ever have bad dreams, but the millisecond after you wake up is the worst part because you believe for a moment that what happened is real. Actually, come to think of it waking up from a good dream is almost as bad; only it's the converse, you really wanted the dream to be true. Anyhow,I think the dream is about feeling powerless, no forget that, I know that's what the dream represents. I'm surprised I didn't have that dream sooner come to think of it.
The dream illustrates the reason I haven't been blogging. I have not been in a good emotional space and although the first few entries weren't exactly upbeat, I didn't want to keep being negative in every post or falsely happy either. I want it to be real, but I have found that being negative hasn't worked. Not for me. New ideas can't really be generated from a space of discontentment. Actually that isn't true either is it? Some of the greatest songs and best works of literature are about struggle or pain. A lot of artists, writers, musicians, and leaders in history have had mental illness. Sometimes the best things have come from people who are going through rough periods in their lives or have come through them. People can use their own experiences and pain to inspire others. Life isn't that black or white all the time. Good or bad.
In reality I know I'm powerful,not powerless. I just have to bring that into illumination. One step at a time.
From today on I will blog everyday. And I'm also going to buy some teeth whitening strips.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Catastrophizing Vs Romanticizing
I told my friend Lynn I was starting a blog on Monday and she got very, very excited about it. "Oh wow, don't even tell anyone you're unemployed. Tell them you're a writer! You're great at writing. I told you. This is going to work out so well." Of course I said, "Yeah, I've written two blog entries already. I wonder
when my book deal, including lucrative contract for two follow up books, is going to happen."
Okay, no I didn't really say that. I actually don't remember exactly what I said,but what I thought was,"It's a little premature to actually call myself a writer. I've been writing for two days! Oh and I have already gotten one negative review. Maybe I should just forget about this writing idea altogether. It's too hard and I'm not very good at it anyway."
I often catastrophe things.(See first blog for more evidence of that.) It's funny, because sometimes it seems easier to help other people when they have problems then to solve my own. In fact, friends have come to me when they needed support. I think it's because for me when another person has a problem it is much easier to logically access a situation and at least offer support, if not viable a solution. But do ever notice how when it's your problem it's much easier for logic and reason to go out the window? Be it a job loss, a failed relationship, family problems,or not getting whatever it was that you wanted. (I'm pretty sure that's board enough to encompass most things.) At least that is way it is for me.
The flip side of the coin are people who like my friend Lynn, romanticize things. For her upcoming wedding she is planning on writing a song for her husband and recording it in a studio. I think that's beautiful and totally doable. But, after she records the song she thinks that she is going to get a celebrity, like Jessica Simpson, to sing it at the wedding. And on top of that Oprah is going to Skype into the wedding because she will be so inspired by the love and Jessica Simpson and everything. Oh,Oprah will also be giving me a book deal too, somehow. ( I threw that part in there after I mentioned my blog. What the hell, might as well make it all the way over the top, right? Ok,I admit it, sometimes I romanticize things too.)
So what is the reality here?
There were a couple of things that happened this past month that sucked. Really sucked. However, a lot of good things happened too. The positive things aren't discounted because a couple of things that I didn't like happened. I've been through worse in my life. And if I think about it there are more important things going on in the world right now. For example, the earthquake in Haiti. Seriously.
Let's see, what other upsetting events are going on right now?
Conan O" Brien is probably going to be leaving the Tonight Show. See, I'm not the only person losing their job this month. And who could forgot poor Snooki on the Jersey Shore. Didn't she get punched in the face a couple of times or something? Not to mention, all those rejects on American Idol. Tragic.
Ok, maybe I have started reaching a little bit, but the point is that everyone has problems. You can either let circumstances dictate what happens to you or you can take a stand that this time life can be different. Or even that you are where you need to be. Not in a fairytale way where everything is always perfect and magical, though I have experienced those kind of moments before, but in a way where you can experience life and color every day. That's something I'm willing to strive for.
when my book deal, including lucrative contract for two follow up books, is going to happen."
Okay, no I didn't really say that. I actually don't remember exactly what I said,but what I thought was,"It's a little premature to actually call myself a writer. I've been writing for two days! Oh and I have already gotten one negative review. Maybe I should just forget about this writing idea altogether. It's too hard and I'm not very good at it anyway."
I often catastrophe things.(See first blog for more evidence of that.) It's funny, because sometimes it seems easier to help other people when they have problems then to solve my own. In fact, friends have come to me when they needed support. I think it's because for me when another person has a problem it is much easier to logically access a situation and at least offer support, if not viable a solution. But do ever notice how when it's your problem it's much easier for logic and reason to go out the window? Be it a job loss, a failed relationship, family problems,or not getting whatever it was that you wanted. (I'm pretty sure that's board enough to encompass most things.) At least that is way it is for me.
The flip side of the coin are people who like my friend Lynn, romanticize things. For her upcoming wedding she is planning on writing a song for her husband and recording it in a studio. I think that's beautiful and totally doable. But, after she records the song she thinks that she is going to get a celebrity, like Jessica Simpson, to sing it at the wedding. And on top of that Oprah is going to Skype into the wedding because she will be so inspired by the love and Jessica Simpson and everything. Oh,Oprah will also be giving me a book deal too, somehow. ( I threw that part in there after I mentioned my blog. What the hell, might as well make it all the way over the top, right? Ok,I admit it, sometimes I romanticize things too.)
So what is the reality here?
There were a couple of things that happened this past month that sucked. Really sucked. However, a lot of good things happened too. The positive things aren't discounted because a couple of things that I didn't like happened. I've been through worse in my life. And if I think about it there are more important things going on in the world right now. For example, the earthquake in Haiti. Seriously.
Let's see, what other upsetting events are going on right now?
Conan O" Brien is probably going to be leaving the Tonight Show. See, I'm not the only person losing their job this month. And who could forgot poor Snooki on the Jersey Shore. Didn't she get punched in the face a couple of times or something? Not to mention, all those rejects on American Idol. Tragic.
Ok, maybe I have started reaching a little bit, but the point is that everyone has problems. You can either let circumstances dictate what happens to you or you can take a stand that this time life can be different. Or even that you are where you need to be. Not in a fairytale way where everything is always perfect and magical, though I have experienced those kind of moments before, but in a way where you can experience life and color every day. That's something I'm willing to strive for.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I'm Not Good at Blogging
I showed a few people my blog over the past couple of days and while almost everyone told me that they liked it(or pretended that they did)one person said this to me:
"I think your blog is snobby and unrelatable. You also seemed like a victim to me. And it seems like the beginning of a self-help book."
My response to that was this:
"Well maybe it seems that way because you're retarded."
That's not the most enlightened reply is it? Oh no. I'm not very good with criticism. I either take it way too seriously or I try to totally disregard it. Usually the former. I don't think that either response is appropriate really. Everyone is judged on something at some point in time.(Or on many things at many points in time). Why does it matter if everyone likes me, wants to be my friend,or thinks everything I do is amazing? Because that is never going to be the case. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to go with what you believe is right without closing yourself off to to different possibilities (like maybe possibility that you aren't right? Oh no, I'm getting dizzy).
I also believe people respond to things based on upbringing, the context in which they live their lives, and the experiences they have had; i.e.the way a person acts towards you isn't always personal. In fact it usually isn't.
Unless what you do really sucks.
Of course if you don't agree,please leave a comment criticizing my point of view. :)
"I think your blog is snobby and unrelatable. You also seemed like a victim to me. And it seems like the beginning of a self-help book."
My response to that was this:
"Well maybe it seems that way because you're retarded."
That's not the most enlightened reply is it? Oh no. I'm not very good with criticism. I either take it way too seriously or I try to totally disregard it. Usually the former. I don't think that either response is appropriate really. Everyone is judged on something at some point in time.(Or on many things at many points in time). Why does it matter if everyone likes me, wants to be my friend,or thinks everything I do is amazing? Because that is never going to be the case. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to go with what you believe is right without closing yourself off to to different possibilities (like maybe possibility that you aren't right? Oh no, I'm getting dizzy).
I also believe people respond to things based on upbringing, the context in which they live their lives, and the experiences they have had; i.e.the way a person acts towards you isn't always personal. In fact it usually isn't.
Unless what you do really sucks.
Of course if you don't agree,please leave a comment criticizing my point of view. :)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
What's the Point?
If you got through the first post congratulations and welcome to my blog!
Who are you?
I'll introduce myself for those of you reading this who don't know me already.
I'm 28 years old. I live in Brooklyn, NY. I am currently unemployed and single.(Obvious from the last post.) I live in a house with four other people,a dog,and four,(yes four!)freaking cats. The other people are my parents and my younger brother and sister. I enjoy a variety of things such as reading, traveling, music, art, plays, psychology, philosophy, spirituality, nature, food, people, etc and so forth.
What is the purpose of the blog and what is with the title?
I'll start with the title because it leads to the purpose. About two years ago I had an idea for a book with the title "Enlightenment in 30 Years or Less". My idea for the book, a novel, was that the protagonist was trying to figure out what would make her life worth living. She wants a career,a boyfriend, meaning. Kind of like Bridget Jones's Diary, except younger,without the British accent,and a dash of spirituality thrown in the mix. It's a little tongue in cheek since the title character is approaching 30 and her life is a mess. Of course,it's a comedy. You know like chick lit. I never wrote the book. I never even attempted to write it. It was just an idea in my head, but than it occurred to me,wait that's me! I may even be more absurd than the Bridget Jones character.(Love that movie, by the way; one of my favorites.)
On Saturday night (see last post) I was feeling really upset and I just decided to start typing. I always had a vague notation to be a writer and it seems like writing a blog is probably easier then writing a book. Maybe it'll lead to that at some point in time, but for now I'll try this blog to work on my writing skills and figure out if I have an iota of talent.
OK. So what is enlightenment exactly? (Maybe you already know, but I think it's best to outline the perimeters of what I'm talking about).
The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Enlightenment as the act or means of enlightening : the state of being enlightened.
Uh,yeah that's helpful.
Enlighten means to give revealing or broadening knowledge to: cause to know. Or an alternate definition is to give spiritual insight to.
Okay cool, but what is the purpose of this blog? You missed that part.
The main purpose will be to entertain. It will be the story of my journey to enlightenment in 30 years or less.(Right now I bet you're thinking,"Oh wow isn't that the title of the blog-that is genius!") I'm not sure of the topics I'm going to cover yet, but they will probably pertain to things I like, stuff I'm going though, or emotions. Maybe you will learn something, but don't count on that since I'm trained in nothing.
Why on earth should I read this blog? Why don't you just write in your diary?
I have kept a diary pretty regularly for ten years. I never thought of myself as a "blog" person. I might even do a vlog at some point, if I figure out how to record and upload a video. But keep in mind I just figured out how to blog so don't hold your breathe on that one. As to why you should read this blog, well you shouldn't, unless you think I'm witty or you want to be enlightened. Or you're bored.
Who are you?
I'll introduce myself for those of you reading this who don't know me already.
I'm 28 years old. I live in Brooklyn, NY. I am currently unemployed and single.(Obvious from the last post.) I live in a house with four other people,a dog,and four,(yes four!)freaking cats. The other people are my parents and my younger brother and sister. I enjoy a variety of things such as reading, traveling, music, art, plays, psychology, philosophy, spirituality, nature, food, people, etc and so forth.
What is the purpose of the blog and what is with the title?
I'll start with the title because it leads to the purpose. About two years ago I had an idea for a book with the title "Enlightenment in 30 Years or Less". My idea for the book, a novel, was that the protagonist was trying to figure out what would make her life worth living. She wants a career,a boyfriend, meaning. Kind of like Bridget Jones's Diary, except younger,without the British accent,and a dash of spirituality thrown in the mix. It's a little tongue in cheek since the title character is approaching 30 and her life is a mess. Of course,it's a comedy. You know like chick lit. I never wrote the book. I never even attempted to write it. It was just an idea in my head, but than it occurred to me,wait that's me! I may even be more absurd than the Bridget Jones character.(Love that movie, by the way; one of my favorites.)
On Saturday night (see last post) I was feeling really upset and I just decided to start typing. I always had a vague notation to be a writer and it seems like writing a blog is probably easier then writing a book. Maybe it'll lead to that at some point in time, but for now I'll try this blog to work on my writing skills and figure out if I have an iota of talent.
OK. So what is enlightenment exactly? (Maybe you already know, but I think it's best to outline the perimeters of what I'm talking about).
The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Enlightenment as the act or means of enlightening : the state of being enlightened.
Uh,yeah that's helpful.
Enlighten means to give revealing or broadening knowledge to: cause to know. Or an alternate definition is to give spiritual insight to.
Okay cool, but what is the purpose of this blog? You missed that part.
The main purpose will be to entertain. It will be the story of my journey to enlightenment in 30 years or less.(Right now I bet you're thinking,"Oh wow isn't that the title of the blog-that is genius!") I'm not sure of the topics I'm going to cover yet, but they will probably pertain to things I like, stuff I'm going though, or emotions. Maybe you will learn something, but don't count on that since I'm trained in nothing.
Why on earth should I read this blog? Why don't you just write in your diary?
I have kept a diary pretty regularly for ten years. I never thought of myself as a "blog" person. I might even do a vlog at some point, if I figure out how to record and upload a video. But keep in mind I just figured out how to blog so don't hold your breathe on that one. As to why you should read this blog, well you shouldn't, unless you think I'm witty or you want to be enlightened. Or you're bored.
Saturday Night Musings
I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when a strange thought enters my mind.
Feeling sorry for myself isn't a rare occurrence, but this week at least it seems somewhat justified. I lost my job on Monday, which I'll admit has happened to me before, but never this quickly (Two months?! Really?!!) and with so little warning. It's sad because I can't even say I wanted the job, but I thought I was putting in the effort while I was there. I took the job because I had to. I had been looking for a year so when the job was offered to me I took it. My parents were so happy. I felt like my hands were tied pretty much. I had to. So why am I even upset? I should be thrilled in a way. So why am I upset? Well I was making money and I felt like at least that something was working out for me, i.e. I felt less like a loser than normal.
The thought of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" keeps playing over and over in my head. My cousin really made me feel special when he pointed out how everyone is so super educated at his job, even the secretaries. "But the job market is going to get better this year. If you have time go to a trade school." My best friend of 23 years,Lynn, told me that I am smarter than she is and proved it by using the fact that I know how to use the word 'condescending' in everyday conversation. Umm..yeah.. sure.. I think that just proves it takes less than I thought to get into a Psy.D program.(Doctorate in Clinical Psychology) Hmmm... No she's very bright actually and committed to what she wants. She was just trying to prove I'm more skilled with vocabulary than she is,which I suppose is probably true since I spent a good chunk of my life reading.
Even before the job situation I was already feeling totally and utterly upset. Heartbroken really. Mostly,about men and relationships, and my inability to have a successful relationship with a man. One of my good friends whom I've known since the age of six just got married in November. It was beautiful. The wedding. Her dress. The reception. How in love they are. Everything. My best friend, the one from above, I've known since kindergarten.She is getting married this year and I'm in her wedding. (Actually, the three of us went to grade school together.) It just seems like everyone I know is either getting married or in a relationship. At least the majority. I'm just not for whatever reason. I'm not even going to mention my "situations" with men. Maybe in another blog, maybe never. Let's just say the past few months have made me realize how much I want a boyfriend. I feel the weight of being alone. Or single I should say, not alone, but it feels that way. I feel alone. And it's not that I'm incapable of being by myself. I'm perfectly capable of being and doing things by myself. It's just 28 years seems long enough to me. It's time. Now.
Ok,so back to before.. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when this thought enters my consciousness:
What if everything up until now has been leading you towards what you want?
Wow, that's kind of powerful and out of left field.
But, Uh ewww...excuse me? Really all the years of pain and not knowing what I want with my career and being rejected by men and feeling worthless? Are you sure weird thought from somewhere?
God is that you?
If I trust myself and trust others I have what I want.
Another annoying thought from the abyss!
It's funny actually, I know spiritual people. Hell,I'm a spiritual person in my best and sometimes worst moments. I don't know what that means though. The thought. I mean I could take the Pollyanna version and by say wow everything from here on in is going to be magically amazing, but I feel like I've been through too much, even in my relatively short bane of existence to really think that's going to be true. But I'm not pessimistic either. I think everything happens for a reason. I know it's cliche, but I believe that.
Hmm... well maybe, I'll use this to start a blog. That could spark something. We'll see.
Feeling sorry for myself isn't a rare occurrence, but this week at least it seems somewhat justified. I lost my job on Monday, which I'll admit has happened to me before, but never this quickly (Two months?! Really?!!) and with so little warning. It's sad because I can't even say I wanted the job, but I thought I was putting in the effort while I was there. I took the job because I had to. I had been looking for a year so when the job was offered to me I took it. My parents were so happy. I felt like my hands were tied pretty much. I had to. So why am I even upset? I should be thrilled in a way. So why am I upset? Well I was making money and I felt like at least that something was working out for me, i.e. I felt less like a loser than normal.
The thought of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" keeps playing over and over in my head. My cousin really made me feel special when he pointed out how everyone is so super educated at his job, even the secretaries. "But the job market is going to get better this year. If you have time go to a trade school." My best friend of 23 years,Lynn, told me that I am smarter than she is and proved it by using the fact that I know how to use the word 'condescending' in everyday conversation. Umm..yeah.. sure.. I think that just proves it takes less than I thought to get into a Psy.D program.(Doctorate in Clinical Psychology) Hmmm... No she's very bright actually and committed to what she wants. She was just trying to prove I'm more skilled with vocabulary than she is,which I suppose is probably true since I spent a good chunk of my life reading.
Even before the job situation I was already feeling totally and utterly upset. Heartbroken really. Mostly,about men and relationships, and my inability to have a successful relationship with a man. One of my good friends whom I've known since the age of six just got married in November. It was beautiful. The wedding. Her dress. The reception. How in love they are. Everything. My best friend, the one from above, I've known since kindergarten.She is getting married this year and I'm in her wedding. (Actually, the three of us went to grade school together.) It just seems like everyone I know is either getting married or in a relationship. At least the majority. I'm just not for whatever reason. I'm not even going to mention my "situations" with men. Maybe in another blog, maybe never. Let's just say the past few months have made me realize how much I want a boyfriend. I feel the weight of being alone. Or single I should say, not alone, but it feels that way. I feel alone. And it's not that I'm incapable of being by myself. I'm perfectly capable of being and doing things by myself. It's just 28 years seems long enough to me. It's time. Now.
Ok,so back to before.. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when this thought enters my consciousness:
What if everything up until now has been leading you towards what you want?
Wow, that's kind of powerful and out of left field.
But, Uh ewww...excuse me? Really all the years of pain and not knowing what I want with my career and being rejected by men and feeling worthless? Are you sure weird thought from somewhere?
God is that you?
If I trust myself and trust others I have what I want.
Another annoying thought from the abyss!
It's funny actually, I know spiritual people. Hell,I'm a spiritual person in my best and sometimes worst moments. I don't know what that means though. The thought. I mean I could take the Pollyanna version and by say wow everything from here on in is going to be magically amazing, but I feel like I've been through too much, even in my relatively short bane of existence to really think that's going to be true. But I'm not pessimistic either. I think everything happens for a reason. I know it's cliche, but I believe that.
Hmm... well maybe, I'll use this to start a blog. That could spark something. We'll see.
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