Saturday Night Musings

I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when a strange thought enters my mind.

Feeling sorry for myself isn't a rare occurrence, but this week at least it seems somewhat justified. I lost my job on Monday, which I'll admit has happened to me before, but never this quickly (Two months?! Really?!!) and with so little warning. It's sad because I can't even say I wanted the job, but I thought I was putting in the effort while I was there. I took the job because I had to. I had been looking for a year so when the job was offered to me I took it. My parents were so happy. I felt like my hands were tied pretty much. I had to. So why am I even upset? I should be thrilled in a way. So why am I upset? Well I was making money and I felt like at least that something was working out for me, i.e. I felt less like a loser than normal.

The thought of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" keeps playing over and over in my head. My cousin really made me feel special when he pointed out how everyone is so super educated at his job, even the secretaries. "But the job market is going to get better this year. If you have time go to a trade school." My best friend of 23 years,Lynn, told me that I am smarter than she is and proved it by using the fact that I know how to use the word 'condescending' in everyday conversation. Umm..yeah.. sure.. I think that just proves it takes less than I thought to get into a Psy.D program.(Doctorate in Clinical Psychology) Hmmm... No she's very bright actually and committed to what she wants. She was just trying to prove I'm more skilled with vocabulary than she is,which I suppose is probably true since I spent a good chunk of my life reading.

Even before the job situation I was already feeling totally and utterly upset. Heartbroken really. Mostly,about men and relationships, and my inability to have a successful relationship with a man. One of my good friends whom I've known since the age of six just got married in November. It was beautiful. The wedding. Her dress. The reception. How in love they are. Everything. My best friend, the one from above, I've known since kindergarten.She is getting married this year and I'm in her wedding. (Actually, the three of us went to grade school together.) It just seems like everyone I know is either getting married or in a relationship. At least the majority. I'm just not for whatever reason. I'm not even going to mention my "situations" with men. Maybe in another blog, maybe never. Let's just say the past few months have made me realize how much I want a boyfriend. I feel the weight of being alone. Or single I should say, not alone, but it feels that way. I feel alone. And it's not that I'm incapable of being by myself. I'm perfectly capable of being and doing things by myself. It's just 28 years seems long enough to me. It's time. Now.

Ok,so back to before.. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when this thought enters my consciousness:

What if everything up until now has been leading you towards what you want?

Wow, that's kind of powerful and out of left field.

But, Uh ewww...excuse me? Really all the years of pain and not knowing what I want with my career and being rejected by men and feeling worthless? Are you sure weird thought from somewhere?

God is that you?

If I trust myself and trust others I have what I want.

Another annoying thought from the abyss!

It's funny actually, I know spiritual people. Hell,I'm a spiritual person in my best and sometimes worst moments. I don't know what that means though. The thought. I mean I could take the Pollyanna version and by say wow everything from here on in is going to be magically amazing, but I feel like I've been through too much, even in my relatively short bane of existence to really think that's going to be true. But I'm not pessimistic either. I think everything happens for a reason. I know it's cliche, but I believe that.

Hmm... well maybe, I'll use this to start a blog. That could spark something. We'll see.